Angst post!

I have spent almost an entire year now psychologically torturing myself for driving away a friend, and all I got for my angst and woe was more angst and woe. The things the person was so angry about were things they had their own serious issues with, and it made me feel like I was going crazy trying to figure out how I could be the terrible person they made me out to be when I didn't actually think any of those things, although they really did. I still don't understand it, but I no longer think it was really about me at all.

I think what made this blowout different from all the others was that I was so deep in grief over my Mom's death (which had happened about two months earlier, hooray for timing!) that I didn't have the energy to chase the person down and apologize for everything regardless of whether I felt had anything to be sorry about. In previous major fights, I was always the one who apologized first and claimed the blame. I justified this to myself by reasoning that it would be worth a hit to my pride (wank wank wank) just to have my friend back.

I realize now that this is stupid and unhealthy, and I think maybe that was the only reason this breakup thing didn't happen 8 years ago over a difference in voting choices, and all it took was one horrible, petty argument where I wasn't up to the challenge to unravel it all.

Half of me wishes it weren't over. I love my friend so much, and missing them has made me twist myself into little loops trying to convince myself that I can still chase them down and get them back without utterly betraying myself.

But the other half of me is a happier person without the negative influence of so much anger and resentment constantly between us. The frienship had been littered with emotional landmines for years and I'd stopped noticing how little I dared to talk or joke about for fear of an explosion. There were conversations I interpreted as signs of improvement, but in hindsight I think they were probably wishful thinking on my part.

So yeah, this sucks. I've never been dumped before, nor have I had to do the dumping. Temporary hiatus from someone with drama I can't watch, yes. Relationship falling into flaming wreckage that makes me cry, no. I realize that thousands of people go through messy divorces all the time where the partners can't work their shit out face-to-face and have to just plain cut each other out.

How the hell do you stand it? Doesn't the need for closure drive you insane?

All in all, I think I finally 'get' the demand for those tormented breakup songs. They still seem stupid to me, but then again, that's probably where they're the most realistic.

Not many people read these walls of text, but putting words to this stuff after it spent so long rotting away inside my head has made me feel a lot better. Even though venting won't change anything in the long run, journal writing has always been a godsend for me when it comes to gaining perspective. Maybe a year or two from now a much happier me can look back and go "Aha, that's where I started to figure all that shit out!"

The cursed January

Busy busy busy. Big week with much doing. My internet friend Gui visited this week from Jersey and it was pretty cool. He taught me how to make flan and rule the world. When I've got the blogging powarz I'll post more on our adventures.

I've got lots of inking to do for the weekend. You see, Kagerou updates are about to resume as normal. The truth is that I can no longer function without the creative outlet and sense of routine it provides. The paid-work-first thing is a good idea in terms of improving my output, but trying to implement it has led to a marked decrease in productivity and wellbeing. So.

The Captain's obedience training has ended. He's shown truly remarkable improvement in his behavior, and I'm even getting his leash manners under control. Turns out I wasn't being loud or forceful enough to make him listen. You gotta bark at that dog to make him respeck joo. Also, I think his puppy energy is fading. He is still a bouncy animal, but he doesn't go batshit crazy anymore.

Greystoke died yesterday. I was surprised by how much it crushed my spirit. That fat old fellow had more personality than most people I talk to on the street. On top of the grief, I feel especially shitty for Seebs because he's had Stokes since he was a kitten (18 years ago). A good long life, but I will miss him anyway.

At least the cursed January is half over.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME

You know those lollies you could buy in the 1980-1990's, where the candy went in a color gradient from green to red?

I swear to God I just coughed up one of those, sans the stick.

The thing was the size of a half-dollar coin. I was too horrified to throw the tissue away in case it might be an organ that would need to have reinstalled later. To be totally honest, I had to restrain myself from taking a picture for this entry.

(You're welcome.)

He Choked On What?

If this ain't poetic justice, there's no such thing.

Laryngitis rules my world with an iron fist and my strength and energy are in the toilet. I slept 11 hours today and took a nap on top of that but I still feel like something you'd pry off the bottom of your shoe with a narrow stick.

It was 40 degrees out, so I took the Captain alongside the bike to the dog park in hopes that it would perk me up. On the way back, the front wheel suddenly turned 90* and would have resulted in a terrible wreck if I hadn't already been slowed almost to a stop. That was some scary shit. Also, the Captain decided to run right up in front of the bike a bit later and his paw got run over. No damage but here's hoping he learned his lesson.

I have gotten no work done since the day before yesterday. Maybe when the rabies passes I'll be feeling more artistic.

Kagerou Keychains, Part Deux!

Goodness I'm productive when I'm knocked off my ass with disease. Four years now I've been putting off making these keychains, and now the floodgates have burst right on open.

I made updates to the order page to add our still-functioning PO Box address. Now people who refuse to sacrifice their personal safety to the demon Pa'y-Pa'l can share the addiction that is horrifyingly shiny keychainage.