LUKA IS STILL A PLAGUE DOG

So, my therapist finished the first of the diagnostic tests the other day. It turns out that I have "moderately severe" ADHD. I had kind of figured out the ADD part, but the H was news to me. It does explain some things, such as why I'm such an unbearable spazz (losing things, getting unbearably twitchy and always being at the center of a giant tornado of fail) despite always trying so hard not to be like that.

Dr. D asked if I was okay with my diagnosis and I was like "yeah, it's good to know where some of this is coming from." She said we'll know more as we continue the evaluations, which I find very helpful.

It's strange to catch myself doing the usual "I suck" internal monologue whenever I do something embarrassing or twitchy, and suddenly have an explanation that makes me not feel like such a schmuck. I will want to watch this so that I don't start excusing every little mistake on my diagnosis, but it is such an incredible relief to know for sure that it's not just me being stupid and lazy. I have to start cutting myself a little bit more slack, and that's pretty novel for me.

A lot of times, most notably in high-pressure situations, I get through life despite having a fucked up transmission. I can't slip into that comfortable second or third gear that lets me go along at a steady 15-30 miles an hour, so instead I just floor it in first until the engine is screaming. I overheat the car until I'm finally able to jump straight into 4th, thus bypassing the faulty gears. It's not healthy to make the car work that hard to do something that should be easy.

The panic grows as I watch the engine lights go on one by one, until I have to pull over and let it all cool down. This leads to an alarming pattern of geronimo charges and dead stops, and then I wonder why I can't seem to get into the rhythm of life. Ha! WELL I AM DIAGNOSED NOW SO I GUESS I CAN'T HATE MYSELF FOR IT ANYMORE.

Yesterday I sent in an application and all the info I need to apply for Minnesota Health Care, and if I qualify I should get reduced shrink fees and copays for whatever medication I go on. Things are already improving a bit from how they've been recently, as my physical improvement continues and answers continue to appear.

I've hit some kind of weird stumbling block with my sleep schedule this summer, which really bothers me. Instead of sleeping exactly 8 hours and waking up refreshed, I'm now sleeping 12 or more hours and waking up groggy and tired. Goddamn body thetans, is what I think it is.

So basically what it all boils down to is that the comic is late again because I have ADHD.

(GYA HA HA THE FIRST ILLEGITIMATE USE OF MY NEW DIAGNOSIS TO GET ME OUT OF MY RESPONSIBILITIES!)

But really, come to think of it, now that I know I have it, I'm wondering how the fuck I ever got a webcomic off the ground in the first place, let alone kept it going for almost 8 years and counting.

Addicted To Stress

i'm addicted to stress
that's the way that i get things done
if i'm not under pressure then i sleep too long
and i hang around like a bum
i think I'm going nowhere and that makes me nervous
everybody's out to get me but i feel all right
everybody's out to get me but i feel all right
everybody's out to get me but i feel all right
everybody's thinking 'bout me

it's the little things that get you
it's the little things that get you
it's the little things that get you when you weren't paying attention

trying to cut down on my caffeine consumption
so when i get up i just have one cup of coffee
and i like to have another cup of coffee with my breakfast
and on the way to work i like to get a cup of coffee
like the kind of cup of coffee that you get with the donuts
but i never get the donut, i just have the cup of coffee
and when i get to work i have a cup of coffee
cause i like to have coffee when I'm talking on the phone
but it usually grows cold and i need to get another cup of coffee
and its lunch, and i have an espresso
and when i get back its not morning anymore
so i have a diet cola and another diet cola
but then I'm feeling fine and i'm feeling pretty sharp
and feeling pretty wired and i'm getting things done
but right about two i get this little tiny migraine
it starts behind my eyes and it moves to the back of my neck
and it moves to the bottom of my spine
but it doesn't get there until 5 or 6 o clock
which is the end of the day so i'm fine!
so i'm fine so i'm fine
except when i have to work late
when i have to work late
which i usually do

i'm addicted to stress
that's the way that i get things done
if I'm not under pressure then i sleep too long
and i hang around like a bum
and i think I'm going nowhere and that makes me nervous
everybody's out to get me, but i feel alright
everybody's out to get me, but i feel alright
everybody's out to get me, but i feel alright
everybody's thinking about me!

i love to work i love to run i love to play real hard
i love to steal little things from the grocery store
like a piece of bubble gum or sometimes i just stick
my thumb in a peach and leave it there
i love to work i love to run i love to water-ski snowboard
jet ski skydive parasail hanglide rollerblade mountainbike
bungee jump well i mean i'd love to do these things if i ever had the time
i love to work i love to work i love to work out after work
i love to spend a little time with this woman I'm seeing
except uh, we never get the time to spend together
so we call each other up
and we talk about work
but i think id really love is to get up by myself on a tiny little island
in the middle of the ocean with just me a book and a cellular phone
and a personal computer in case something came up
and i'd eat and i'd drink and i'd run and i'd sleep
and i wouldn't do nothing but swim all day
except ya know, my beeper doesn't work underwater
where there are sharks! where there are sharks! where there are sharks!
and there's this kind of anemone that sticks in your foot
and the poison goes up to your brain and you die
and sand fleas! sand fleas!? yuck!
but actually i think would be really relaxing
just me by myself in the middle of the ocean
and thats what i'd really like to do more than anything else

except i'd probably hate it

I'm addicted to stress
its the way that i get things done
if I'm not under pressure then i sleep too long
and i hang around like a bum
and i think I'm going nowhere and that makes me nervous...
everybody's out to get me, but i feel alright
everybody's out to get me, but i feel alright
everybody's out to get me, but i feel alright
everybody's thinking about me!

-Jim's Big Ego

(This song is stuck in my head today. Probably because I'm so behind in all my work and have to run errands before I even get started.)