The Great Gig In The Sky

"...And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why we need the space program."

Dear Satan...

Dear Satan,

I know we don't speak often, but I have a favor to ask of you. As you probably know by now, world-class comedian George Carlin passed away today from heart disease. He was getting on in years, but I believe he still had a lot to share with the world. I think he was taken before his time.

My dark lord, I wish to draw your attention to three other names you may find all-too-familiar: Dane Cook, Carlos Mencia, and Andrew Dice Clay.

Three equally well-known names in the stand-up world, O Lord of Screaming Assholes.

Three highly controversial (past and present) personalities.

Three completely tempting bargaining tools, if you get my drift.

You see, Satan, as the Prince of the Fallen you know more than anyone else about how unfair and capricious the hand of fate (or the whims of your opposite number up above, whom I shall not name, but I think you know exactly who I mean) can be. I mean, look what happened to you and your union when you tried to organize and buck for a measly little pay raise after ass-thousand years schlepping around in the celestial dirt with the rest of the scrubbies, singing "holy holy holy" to you-know-who until your nuts just about fell off from disuse.

Trapped under the earth in a giant fireplace full of screaming morons and losers over 45 measly cents an hour? Cold deal, dude. I totally feel for you.

What I'm saying is that sometimes the wrong guy takes the fall. Sometimes the piece of shit with the ricermobile gets your wife and you get a motel room full of dead hookers. It happens; life sucks. Now, part of that is because of your evil influence, but I'm not bitter; I'm not holding a grudge here. I'm over it.

Dane Cook.

Carlos Mencia.

Andrew Dice Clay.

Please, Lord of the Dark Mass, please consider this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to do the right thing for the little guy, what do you say? Help out the common man a little bit by righting what went so tragically amiss this week.

I know you have it in your power to pull just the tiniest of strings and make everyone's dream come true. You have power; you have influence. You own the biggest names in Hollywood and I know for a fact that you dabble in politics.

For all I know, you may be reluctant to surrender your hold on this brilliant mind, but let's face it: three for one is a hell of a deal, and I think we can both agree they have it coming. Might as well pay the devil his due today instead of in 2045, right?

Please think about it, Lucifer. It might be the best choice you ever made, but don't let that stop you from helping a brother out of the putrefaction of your cavernous, flaming heart.


Eternally Opposed in Sacred Combat,
Luka Delaney
Age 27
(Earth)

Further Updates

Further info on the bridge collapse has been made available here.

Here's the text of the article:

(WCCO) Minneapolis New at 8:20 p.m.

HCMC doctor says people suffered head injuries and internal injuries similar to what would happen in a car accident.

New at 8:18 p.m.:

HCMC doctor believes there are more drowning victims at the scene

New at 8:17 p.m.:

Concrete rehabilitation was being done on the bridge

New at 8:16 p.m.:

Six people with severe trauma are being treated at HCMC

New at 8:14 p.m.

According to doctor at HCMC at least one person died due to drowning.

Severe weather is in the area with ground to cloud lightning, according to WCCO-TV's Paul Douglas.

New at 8:10 p.m.:

Governor Tim Pawlenty will be holding a press conference this evening somewhere near the bridge collapse.

New at 8:07 p.m.:

"My wife was driving the school bus," the bus driver's husband said. "She's fine ... She said her knee is hurt."

Two people have been taken to North Memorial hospital with injuries -- being assessed right now, not sure on extent.

New at 8:05 p.m.:

American Red Cross says 60 kids were on school bus and 10 have been taken to a hospital. About 30 children are still at the Red Cross staging area and need to be picked up by their parents.

It is located along Washington Avenue at 13th and 12th

New at 8:04 p.m.:

Storms are entering the area

New at 8:03 p.m.:

A doctor at HCMC will be holding a press conference momentarily to update on conditions of patients

New at 8:01 p.m.:

Cell phone networks in the Twin Cities are jammed and people at the scene are having a tough time getting ahold of loved ones

16 trauma patients have been admitted to HCMC in Minneapolis

New at 8 p.m.:

Twins postpone Thursday's game against the Royals and postpone groundbreaking for the new stadium that was scheduled for Thursday.

New at 7:58 p.m.:

Workers from a St. Michael company called Progressive were working on the bridge - they have not been in touch with those workers yet.

New at 7:57 p.m.:

Paul McCabe, a spokesman with the FBI in Minneapolis, said agents responded to the bridge and would conduct any necessary investigations.

"Although it is much too early to make any determination of the cause, we have no reason at this time to believe there is any nexus to terrorism," he said.

Brian Turmail, a spokesman for the U.S. Department of Transportation, said the department is getting briefed on the collapse, but it was mainly being handed by local agencies.

"Right now the focus is on saving lives," he said.

All four lanes of the Interstate 35W Mississippi River bridge near University Avenue has collapsed into the river and onto businesses underneath the highway at 6:05 p.m. Wednesday.

According to reports from the scene, crews on the Mississippi River are no longer in rescue mode but recovery mode.

Cars are still on the bridge.

According to a structural engineer who spoke with WCCO-TV's Don Shelby, it doesn't appear to be a concrete failure but that the steel failed.

Some people are stranded on parts of the bridge that aren't completely in the water.

"I couldn't event even count how many cars went off the bridge," said one woman who witnesses the collapse from her apartment. "We're helping people on backboards."

She said she pulled 12 out of river and said there were people that were deceased.

WCCO-AM reported that one body was scene being pulled from the area, covered with a blue sheet.

A tractor-trailer is still on fire at the collapse scene with plumes of smoke clouding the sky.

"I thought it was just construction going on ... it was a free fall all the way to the ground," said one person who was on the bridge at the time. "Thank God I was wearing my seat belt. The only thing I was hit was the steering wheel."

According to that same witness it was bumper to bumper traffic when the bridge collapsed.

Some cars are still precariously perched on the bridge. Sections of the bridge are mangled, some are pointing up in the air and some are in the river.

"My truck got completely torn in half," said Gary Bavanaugh, who was on the bridge when it collapsed. "The bridge started shaking and it went down fast."

Bavanaugh said he was headed northbound on I-35W when he heard a huge rumbling and he saw a huge cloud of white dust as the bridge collapsed. He had his seatbelt on and said if he hadn't, his head would have gone through the windshield.

Bavanaugh said a school bus full of children was ahead of him. He got on the bus and helped children, who he estimated to be 8-12 years old, off the bus and off the bridge.

"It is just horrific," said witness Marilyn Franzen, who saw the bridge collapse. Franzen said she saw a school bus that managed to stop before the going over the edge of the bridge that she said was carrying 20-30 children.

According to witnesses, cars are crushed and mangled under the bridge where it collapsed onto the shore of the river. Street signs also crushed cars.

People are being sent to Hennepin County Medical Center which is very close to the scene of the collapse.

The bridge was opened in 1967 and crosses the Mississippi River in Minneapolis.

A maintenance project began about nine months ago repairing potholes and other concrete on the bridge. According to a spokesperson from the Mn-DOT, there was no work on the actual structure under the bridge.

The Minnesota Department of Transportation will be holding a press conference this evening about the collapse.

D:

HOLY SHIT.

Minneapolis peeps, please let me know you're ok.