I know something you don't know :P

What's the point of seeking me out and messaging me if all you have to say is that something major is going on with you, buuuuut since you don't think I would be sufficiently comforting, you've decided to tell someone else about it instead of me?

Sorry I wasn't around to get all intrigued and chase you down and force you to share every sordid detail, but thank you for having a major relationship discussion with my away message. It's not all that important to actually have me present for this kind of conversation anyway, since (as you said) you already know what I'm going to say and feel and are punishing me accordingly.

It's like conflict resolution, only without all the icky communication.