A Letter From A Smoker

Dear Assholes Who Want Public Smoking Banned,

Your right to enter a public establishment without being physically harmed ends where my right to force large groups of total strangers to inhale the toxic fumes of my drug of choice begins.

Attempting to guarantee your own safety when in an enclosed space is a slippery slope that will, if followed, lead us to the same kind of scary nanny state that allowed the Holocaust. It is so fucking selfish to want to breathe air when I want you to breathe my smoke. How can I have a good time dancing with you constantly going on and on about your lungs are closing up and you can't breathe? Wah. You're just whiny bitches who can't handle a little risk. My mom smoked when she was pregnant with me and I was FINE.

Let me tell you something, assholes. You talk a good clip about personal responsibility, but you don't seem to understand what it means. Personal responsibility is far more than just taking care of yourself and accepting the consequences for your decisions.

What about your duty as a citizen to allow the dangerous behavior of others to threaten your health and safety? What about my rights to whittle your social scene down to the library, the mall, and your own front yard?

Personal responsibility, my ass. You're just a bunch of bullies making excuses to take away my right to smoke when I want to without regard for how it affects others.

It's very simple, you tiny-brained morons. Don't like having deadly asthma attacks and allergic reactions whenever you attempt to go dancing or enjoy a meal? Stay home! It's the only choice you can safely make anyway, since you're such fucking prudes.

Oh, you still want to talk about bans? Fine. Let's talk about how you should be banned entering any place with an even remotely interesting night life. That boredom you feel every weekend is freedom in action, baby!

-Breathless in Saint Paul

I've been meaning to compose this one for ages, but it took some smoking wank to prime my pump.