More Katamari Imagery Than Is Strictly Necessary

Deciding that taking apart the katamari of fail would be too difficult, I rolled a katamari of win instead.

First I called the rehabilitation services folks to set up a meeting with intake (this is vocational training, not the neck therapy stuff). Then I called my social worker to ask about appealing the cancellation of my benefits for February (forgot to pay a $4 premium) on the basis of the ADD making me forgetful. If I can get this sorted, I won't owe $300 worth of bills for that month, which is a very very good thing. Then I called my health plan about getting a new card. They told me I'm not officially on the plan until May and that's why there isn't a card already sent out. Which means I need to pay for this month's appointments and medications myself and then apply for reimbursement in May.

Then I called the organization that provides the health plan to ask about changing from UCare to Blue Plus when the plan is re-activated, and they told me that will have to be done through the worker as well. I'm waiting for her to return my call tomorrow. Then I called the bank about locking myself out of my online account and reset the password.

Then I called the pharmacy, got them to list the prices for the medicines I need to refill, and worked out a plan to fill only the urgent items. Generic Prozac is $16.99 for a month's supply of 20mg pills. My psychiatrist gave me a scrip for 40mg to see if it cuts the anxiety down a bit better, but doubling the dosage for some reason raises the price to over $80 per bottle. So the pharmacist told me to bring in the scrip anyway, and he'll fill it as two bottles of the 20mg instead, and I can just take several pills to get the same dosage. I did that. They also transferred my prescriptions from the Walgreens pharmacy, saving me the trouble.

Sometime during this flurry of doings, I read two articles on the topics of mindfulness and the science of late blooming that my shrink recommended to me, and took the magazine back to her office. It was closed, so I left the magazine in a box by her door where she keeps her business cards, called her up and left a message to let her know it was there.

I did this all before breakfast.

With that in mind, I drove to the grocery store and spent $7 on a big fat juicy sirloin steak, which I cut in half and shared with Rah. My half was bleeding copiously as I ate it, and it was fantastic. Sadly I mistook cinnamon for Old Bay seasoning and ended up having to spray it with tap water to get rid of it. Even then, it was oddly flavored in a not-so-awesome way along the edges.

But goddamn it, it was a bloody steak and that means it was automatically the best thing in the world. Also broccoli and the last of the steamed rice from last night. Nom.

After that I went to the other store, filled the prescriptions, and bought Rah some cookies. Thus ended my day.

I did not contact my lawyer about the bike information, which is bad as it's getting pretty urgent. I'll make that tomorrow's project instead. I think I did enough life fixing for today. The katamari of win is now 3 meters in diameter, almost large enough to roll up the katamari of fail that's been growing all month.

My life gets tangled in a hopeless ball of unpleasant tasks every now and then, but each time it happens, recovery is faster and less of a hassle, and the faltering takes less of my time and energy. Dr. D says it will keep getting easier with practice, so that's my plan.

As Brother Ali would say, "Keep your lip stiff. Keep your fist clenched. Sometimes you gotta kick your way through this bitch." That song has seen me through some tough times this past year, but things are getting better.

Once the chaos is settled a bit, I think I'll be taking a small number of commissions on a strictly trial basis. Just to see if I'm ready to get back to full-time arting yet.

Pep Talk

I have a plan for this upcoming summer, but I don't know how to put it into action.

Basically, I want to travel the country on a rockhounding tour. I plan to visit Oregon, possibly Arkansas, the North Shore of Superior and Thunder Bay up in Canada. If I can get my shit together by then, I can contact folks with private mines who take guests and learn how they do their stuff.

Maybe I'll meet some other hounds who know good collecting spots and stay with them as well. I may hit rock shows and talk to the people who work them. Ask how they got into their line of work and take notes and advice. They give it freely to others who have the bug, I already know that much. I wonder if people in the rock business take apprentices or interns. At the very least, I can join the Minnesota rock club and go on field trips.

One thing that's for sure is that I'll never break into this business if I don't get out there and do it. And I know I can do it. For all that I feel like I'm completely adrift and incompetent, all I have to do is look back to 2004 and see what I did with conventions despite having clue zero. Despite being WAY more messed up than I am now (god bless you, therapy and the soothing affects of maturity), I made plans. I bit my lip and jumped into the chaos and it all worked out beautifully. I think of the hours of travel and the hard work and it makes me nostalgic as fuck.

My fear of burning out on what I love to do should not hold me back either. I have never been as enthusiastic about going to conventions as I feel about fossil and crystal hunting, but I still like them just fine.

There is nothing to be afraid of. I have a charmed life and I have support. If it blows up in my face, I have a hilarious blog entry to share with the world so you can all taste the schadenfreude. If it all works out, I will have knocked down a huge portion of the wall between myself and a Genuine Sense Of Meaning In Life. I know what I want and it's all about dirt and sweat and sunshine. It's what I've always wanted, and only now that I'm older and starting to define myself as a person can I admit it. I've begun to understand that I, Luka Delaney, have a genuine Passion and can follow it. All these years spinning my wheels and it was right there, but I never thought for a moment I could seriously do it. It never even occurred. I'm slow like that.

I love art, I love writing. I'm well aware that my talents in the creative field will not win me any great status in life, and I'm OK with that because I do my shit well enough to satisfy me and get my ideas across, and that's awesome. I'm always getting better, always learning, always impressing myself in new ways. But I don't want to attach pressure to these things, and that lack of fire holds me back from turning art or writing into a genuine Career. I love creative stuff, but I NEED to explore my world. These things can co-exist. I know what I'm doing. Admitting that my largest drive lies elsewhere won't make me give up on my art, like I used to think it would. Why quit doing something I love just because it isn't my entire universe? That kind of flawed all-or-nothing thinking holds me back way too much in life as it is.

What I need is my own permission.

All of this makes me excited as hell. And worried. Most of all, it makes me insanely, giddily optimistic. I can realize all of this if I work hard. I need to train, plan, save and scheme. No excuses, just jump the hell in and watch the results.

I've driven through all but three states in this nation and I can read a map. I can't get lost, I won't be murdered, the planet won't throw me off. There are no excuses left, only problems to be solved so I can move on. No fucking way am I wasting another year sitting on my fat ass, feeding my life to a glowing screen so I can watch other people live my dreams and continually sigh "If only!"

You all have my permission to quote this entry back at me if I get discouraged or whiny or angsty later. I have a habit of shying away from big plans when they start to feel tawdry, once the glow of euphoria wears off and I start to second-guess myself. Right now I have clarity, and no matter how discouraged I get later, I won't be able to take it back. Can't even fuck with what's already been said on the internet.

"They say my reputation precedes me
I don't know the meaning of off season, I ain't taking it easy
Ain't taking a day off, never had an off night
Never been laid off, I live on the job site

It all pays off though when I squint in the spotlight
And see your lips are moving to the true shit that I write
And we gon' be alright every night of my life
It's my night cause I view the future like it's hindsight

I ain't waiting, I'm patiently persevering
I see greatness in the person in the mirror very clearly
And that's why I take this seriously
Baby come near to me and truly, truly hear me."

So basically, I want to be like Brother Ali when I grow up.

(Well get to it, dork!)

PRODUCTIV'D

Today was my day off. So naturally I

- Collected and mailed off the last paperwork for lawyer guy.

- Filled out and sent in my paperwork to choose a health plan (ended up being Blue Plus).

-Called around til I had a clinic and a dentist to use as my primaries.

-Called Anytime Fitness and discovered that yes, I really DO owe them another month's pay plus failed transaction fees because they switch members to a month-by-month auto renewal deal when your contract runs out, and I also need to give them 30 days' notice when I quit. My own damn fault for assuming it'd just run out on its own without checking my contract. Maybe I should just start going again like I've been wanting to since the weather got colder, and give notice in Spring.

-Paid Netflix.

-Found the Miracle Fruit I bought on eBay but which supposedly never arrived. It had been sitting on the kitchen table in plain sight all this time. Still doesn't explain why the seller never got back to my polite inquiry, though. (IT'S CALLED KARMA YOU FUCKING FLAKE.)

-Grocery'd!

-Inspired by a post in the cooking LJ community, combined two boxes of Spice Cake mix with 30 oz of canned pumpkin and 2 1/2 cups of water (no oil, no eggs). Baked into fist-sized loaf cakes at 350 degrees for ~30 minutes, and ate two a la mode right there. Snorf grampkl nom nom nom. Tasted exactly like pumpkin pie, left me with a fuckton of batter for later batches, and a person would have to be an idiot to fuck up the recipe.

-Finished inking the comic for this week. Holygod so much hatching!

-Called the CHR and made appointments with Dr. D and the resident psychiatrist using my SHINY NEW MEDICAL CARD.

-Laundry'd!

Next up: Mail arts, find bedframe that will fit this futon mattress for a reasonable price, finish some bitches and ship off the keychains people have ordered.

FUN TIMES!

Oh yeah, and ZippoMage--you are indeed correct. Maxtor is fucked but the data seemed to be OK. Seebs has backed it all up and we're going to lobotomize the drive and repurpose it as simple external storage, the way God intended. Bummer because I liked having automated backups every week, but the heart attack when it plays catch-me-fuck-me with my data just ain't worth it.

Now I think I'll go to bed.

Whirlwind of Sanity, Take II

I've been feeling some discomfort and agitation on the Ritalin, so I cut my morning pill in half. Magically, the symptoms decreased to a reasonable level, and I proceeded to complete almost all of my tasks. I could still feel it kicking in, but my "work mode" gear was noticeably smoother. My accomplishments for the past 10 hours are as follows:

1. Cooked breakfast.
2. Cleaned the kitchen, including scrubbing the stove and counters and de-cluttering the window bench that's been covered in jackets and grocery bags for the better part of a year.
3. Washed and unloaded the dishes.
4. Cleaned and swept my bedroom and office.
5. Processed Etsy orders, stuffed envelopes, wrote thank-you notes and double-checked to make sure everything was accounted for.
6. Gathered addresses for commissions.
7. Finished 1 icon, animated it for funsies, and started another immediately afterwards.
8. Washed two loads of laundry.
9. Read about a zillion chapters of One Piece while eating lunch.
10. Dog-proofed my garbage can.
11. Took a shower.
12. Brushed the Captain's teeth, chased him down, continued to scrub, dragged him back off the floor from his passive-resistance swoon, and brushed them some more.
13. Waited until business hours, then called my social worker, completed the follow-up papers needed for my MinnCare application, and stuck it in my outbox.
14. Called lawyer to check on paperwork and find out what I need to send in.
15. Swept and dusted the stairwell, including steps and landing.
16. Swept the living room at the bottom of the stairwell.
17. Suffered karoshi and was rewarded with an eternity of bliss at the right hand of Xenu himself.

Most of the domestic chores listed are part of my house-elf duties, which I took on in exchange for room and board. I am very happy to be doing a better job of it so that my roomies do not drown in a vat of dirty frying pans and moldy towels.

All of this was accomplished with a lazy ease that I very seldom feel. It's a bit like having those rare moments, every few weeks or months, where the clouds part and I feel like I can power through any task set before me, available on demand.

So yeah, it's safe to say that I had a lot of processing power locked up in day-to-day functioning and now I am making it work for me. Just like motherfucking Rock Lee when he takes off the ankle weights, except not as sexy.

Riding the Wave of Sane

I decided to try the Adam Carolla method for fixing your life if you're a walking disaster area. Basically, when faced with a problem, ask yourself "what would a sane person do?" and do that, no matter what you personally want to do.

So here's a list I compiled of what a sane person in my situation would do:


1. Clear up what's left of my docket of overdue tasks:

• Kagerou commission
• Pirate comic
• A-Kon sketchbook commission
• Tonbo/Nick art for Megan
• Pay A-Kon related taxes
• Color "Something Wicked This Way Flops"
• Remix another chapter of Kagerou

2. Buy new and respectable clothing and improve hygeine regimen so that I don't look like a homeless SA goon who has been too despondent to shower ever since he lost his Juggalette realdoll on the way home from a furry convention in the heart of Transylvania.

3. Get the shrink appointment. Get diagnosed and, if necessary, medicated for the crippling social issues and anxiety that make me withdraw from the world and keep me from getting anything done. Contrary to my previous assumption, the proper time to set up an appointment is probably when I'm in my right mind and capable of setting it up, NOT when I'm so overloaded I can't pick up a phone.

4. Learn to complete commissions on time so I can make art my job, meet my expenses and become independent. Or, failing that,

5. Get a part-time job that forces me to interact with the world.

I have already made a fairly decent headway by using the Adam Carolla method. I've gotten the vet stuff done, seen a dentist and had my teeth dealt with, and put myself on a shaky but tolerable schedule of household chores that serve to anchor me to a sense of time. These small and overdue successes have led to significant improvements in my overall mood, plus a general feeling of can do, can fix, can achieve.

Proving to myself through action and effort that I'm not helpless to change my life means I will not be as likely to give up on future efforts before I've properly tried. A few bad doctor experiences, family dramas, and financial setbacks have retarded my development for years, and I'm so tired of apathetically taking it up the ass.

A sane person would fight back, especially against the self-destructive urge to withdraw and give up because sometimes things suck a lot.

So that's what I'm gonna do.

DID SOMEBODY SAY 'TORNADO OF STABILITY?'

[[ENTRY REDACTED DUE TO RULES 1 AND 2]]

Domesticide II

Today I got so stir crazy I had to finally admit that the weather wasn't going to let up long enough for a bike ride, and took the Captain out anyway.

It wasn't too bad on the way out. The rain was misty and there were some snowflakes, and it was blowing at our back. I figured the return trip was going to suck, but by then I'd be used to it, right?

Wrong. Ten minutes out, the misty rain and snow turned into tiny pebbles of burning sleet and the wind kicked into hyper-drive. When the trail ended, we finally turned around into a hell-storm the likes of which God himself would not dare to challenge.

This lasted the whole way home as I squinted my eyes to keep the sleet out of them. Later, as I took my dripping coat off in the mudroom, admired my purple sleet-blotched face in a mirror, and looked out the window, I saw that it had settled back into a soft and harmless snow.

So it goes.

I didn't make any protest signs for this rally. Instead, I helped trifold a bunch of pamphlets. My goal is to hand them all out or die in the attempt.

And right when I decided to go work on the comic since my schedule was finally free for the evening, Molly the cat pissed on Rah's bed and may or may not have decided to dump the load of catshit I found in the bathroom on one of our best towels. From there on, it was laundry, laundry, dishes and laundry. I didn't even glance at Corel, and now it's time for bed.

At least my life's not boring, right?

Recycled Death Note Buttons

I'm using this series of 2" buttons to test out my Etsy account.

These are not fanart. They are hand-made from actual pages cut from an actual copy of Death Note, Volume 2.

Imported, untranslated manga has very limited re-homing prospects in the US, so I've decided to recycle this book and its incredible artwork by turning it into a collection of buttons.

Interested in buying a set? There are six left! Etsy store is here. 1" buttons coming soon!

Today: gotta finish 2 pages of the comic, quit my fitness club membership (don't have time for the hamster wheel anymore because I'm getting plenty of exercise outside with the Captain) install some bike handlebar grippy thingies, wash the household laundry and dishes, pick up for the visits of both Spider and Rah's mom, shop for supplies and make more signs for the protest this weekend.

Oh, and I need to send in my registration info for Kumoricon. They have a table for me! FUCK YEAH! It's going to be my only con this year, I think.

I'm actually excited about it, because it's Oregon and I fucking love the west coast. And all the lovely little roadcuts on the way there and back *rockhound gleam*.

New Prints!

I did some toolin' around on my Studio Whipping Boy Store page. A lot of it was internal stuff (filenames, duplicate images, quality control) but I also dumped some truly lousy art out of my print page and put about 2 years' worth of good stuff in its place. Quite a bit of the finished full-page art you can find on my featured gallery is now available for sale as high-quality prints. Huzzah!

I still have a lot to do before I should call the store 'updated', but this'll have to do for now. Not bad for a weekend's frenzied work.

I'm trying to earn money to fix a crumbling tooth, which is hellacious good motivation to get off my butt and make stuff people want to buy. Not great for my update schedule, though, which sucks ass. Sorry!

A few people have asked, and yes, we accept PayPal and snail-mailed money orders.

OH MY GOD, IT'S FULL OF COMMERCE!

Teh Agonies

Wrist much much better today, if a bit wrinkly and pale from the brace. I've taken advantage of the improvement and have been working hard on the pages. I intend to have the base colors done by bed-time, and I'll shade and add the dialogue tomorrow.

Complications aside, ooooh how I love doing these super-sized updates.

Oddly, it's a week of computer hassles. Corel keeps trying to paste selections from earlier in the work session, instead of letting me select new areas. And Blogger does not seem to want to allow me to title any of my posts. The field is inactive when I try to click it.

All is well. I am happy.

PS - To everyone who left me encouraging comments while I was nearly tearing my hair out from the depression a few days ago, I wanted to say thank you. It really helped reading them, even though I didn't have the energy to respond at the time.