Fuck Your Winter Wonderland, Mrs. Marshmallow Pants

It's been a while since I was out during daylight hours, man. I found this out the hard way this morning as I watched my dog take a big shit in the snow. Steam rose up and drifted away for about six fucking feet. This amazed and horrified me, and I stood around until the toxic waste stopped smoking before I dared to bag it.

I'm sure this happens every time he's taken a dump since the day about a month ago where I was able to put a pint of ice cream outside my door to save for later, but since I usually walk him in the dark, I've been spared the horror of actually seeing it happen until now.

Somebody threw a bike off a bridge a week ago, over the deepest part of the river. The bike's been sitting there ever since. In a couple of days someone will walk out and get it, probably.

The spillway has been trying to freeze over for weeks, but so far the water's been moving too fast. This morning, though, there were three or four spots where ice had built up enough to block the flow. Where the water did come out, it was roaring and vicious and sent up a crazy steam cloud you could see for blocks around.

I would have gotten pictures, but the cool new camera has a defective sensor and stopped working for good right after I videotaped the dog frolicking in the snow on the way out. I hope to god it's still under warranty.

It was fuck knows how far below zero when we first went out. By the time we got back two hours later it had risen to a startling 1*, and I could feel my nose again. I wish I couldn't.

The best thing about winters that plunge below zero is that suddenly 40* seems like the much-longed for dog days of summer. Also good is the way your breath condenses into a hearty pirate beard on your muffler within a few minutes.

By the end of the walk, the Captain was manic and shivering. Five bucks says the little bastard lets me fucking sleep through the night uninterrupted for a change.

I think someone stole the Christmas tree in the town square. There were twigs and small branches scattered around the empty holder thingie. Kids in this town must get so fucking bored.

On that note, I found graffiti on a wall that read "Magically Delicious." The way I see it, someone's trying to start shit with the Malt-O-Meal gang. This could get good! I'll keep you posted.

The goal of this morning's walk was to pick up some cinnamon rolls and fresh Italian bread at the EconoFood place. I also got hamburger, but I was too tired when I got home to cook it, and ate cinnamon rolls and Italian bread with Nutella instead. Carbolicious and very very good.

Saturday, the dog trainer comes for our first session. She does house calls because the entire town is five feet in diameter and all she'll have to do to get to our place from where she lives is turn around and knock. This kind of business model is new to me, but I'll roll with it because I'm lazy and it's warm here. She apparently tailors her lessons based on client needs, so I've whipped up a nice list of ways I want this animal's spirit to be crushed. It's going to be awesome.

PS - People look at you funny when you walk around laughing maniacally. Maybe because they can't see the iPod headphones and thus do not know you're listening to George Carlin performing "When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?"



It's going to be the best fun I ever had with my clothes on.

Almost Got My Bragging Rights

Argh argh!!!

I just counted again, and I'm at 98 freaking miles!

One more walk with the Captain will finally put me over the 100 mark--it's so close I can TASTE it. If tomorrow goes well, I'll have traversed one hundred miles by walking/biking/jogging/skiing in just 64 days.

I originally started counting the miles because of my gym's summer '100 miles in 100 days' challenge, which started in June and just ended. I only found out about it on July 7, and didn't think I'd ever be able to log that many hours. And then I got a dog....

Just think--if I'd started the challenge with everybody else, I would have won an ugly tote bag or something. I would have been one of the few competitors who made their goal. Hell, if I'd only started a month late, I would have still made it. Ah well. Now that I can't get the mad props and tote bag, I'm just doing it for ME, and that makes it somehow more fulfilling anyway.

My obsessive need to collect and list things has got me plotting out my trips on Google Earth so I can account for the distance travelled. I use satellite maps to dream up cool new routes to walk. I'm exploring the city for the first time (with a hammer in one pocket to ward off loose dogs, and a pocket knife in the other for any two-legged strays).

Tonight I jogged a quarter of a mile alongside my dog while we were out. Okay, so that may not seem like very far, but I haven't dared to run much since I grew man-tits and started getting teased about the bouncing. I also have asthma that kicks in when I exercise and poorly-repaired hernias in both calves that still like to pop up and cause intense burning when the muscles are flexed there. (I recently noticed from a photograph of Kyle Gass of Tenacious D that he has them in the exact same places. Torment twinsies!)

So being able to go even a quarter mile without using my inhaler, NOT getting winded or struck by severe pain in the process, is a pretty big thing for me. A hundred miles of non-essential exercise in two months is fucking astronomical.

I want to go out and finish those last two miles off right now, but it's 6AM and the mosquitoes are out, and I really need to sleep. I guess I should just do like I do at the gym and quit before I'm tired, so I'll be more eager to return the next time.

I almost hate that we're leaving St. Paul, now that I know all the little places to visit and have favorite walking routes and everything. It just figures I'd only start to appreciate the North End before moving out of it forever. I think I'll miss the adrenaline rush of danger that hits me when a dog comes running at me in a froth of anger and gets pulled up at the last second by a previously-unseen tether.

Hahah. Sure I will.

PS - I did end up getting some lightning on video. I'll upload later. I also still need to finish splicing together the clips from the BIG storm we had a few weeks ago, when I went and laid down in the baseball field and just held the camera toward the sky for an hour or so.

There's a lot of video to comb through and lightning of varying quality every two seconds, so it's taking me a while to crop down the footage to make a badass light show. I think I'll need to put the resulting video to the East Village Opera Company's "Overture Redux". That song is perfect for electrical storms.

Walk it Out

I did 23 miles at the gym between July 7 and July 20. Since then, I've racked up another 23 miles just by walking the dog, and that's only the trips I can recall off the top of my head.

Adding it all up, it's no wonder I've got a tan for the first time in my life...