...With Dissonance and Distortion For All.

Oh. My. GAWD. Did you guys see how DISGUSTINGLY FAT Britney Spears was on TV last night? Oh my GAWD, you guys. She looked like a caterpillar eating a leaf. Oh, my GAWD.

...This is all anyone seems to be able to talk about today. CNN even aired sound bytes of random people making fun of Britney's weight. She must have been SUCH A HEIFER to earn that much airtime with her horrible obscene flesh-folds, right?





Oh my gaaaawd. You can't even see her RIBS. I think I'd just KILL myself, wouldn't you? Oh my GAWWWWD.

Not that I care too much about defending some random pop star whose music I don't even listen to, but this kind of twisted never-good-enough bullshit is ego pollution. It's making EVERYBODY sick. I'm tired of people who get all fanorexic and start spraying diarrhea every time a movie star puts on ten pounds. Where do you idiots think all that shit lands?

I feel bad for all those little girls who go looking for a place in the world where they're wanted, and get told they're only welcome if they can still fit the same clothes for the rest of their lives. And even that's a lie, because by the time their numbers are acceptable, people will be making fun of their skeletons for being too bulbous.

Girls, I'm going to tell you a secret: there is no point at which the taunting stops if you have breasts in America.

We grown-ups sure love to dangle that carrot, though. The magazine covers at the supermarket checkstand last month were covered in paparazzi shots of the too-lumpy butts of bikini-clad starlets. This month it's about "Deadly Thin In Hollywood." AND THE PICTURES ARE OF THE SAME PEOPLE!

The prize cannot be won. Your best will never be enough. The game is rigged to keep you busy dancing like a trained monkey so you won't have time to become the first woman President.

Also, Soylent Green is made of people.

Women on the low ends of normal weight are showing off their bodies in a display of "fat pride" and pro-anorexics are airbrushing each other's photos to bring out the collarbones. Meanwhile EVERYONE is screaming about how OBESITY IS GOING TO NUKE THE ICE CAPS BY 2010!!!!!!!!

What's next, CIA photographs of the Britney Spears VMA performance with little red arrows pointing to the microscopic indendations where her waist bends during a high kick, indicating possible hideouts for Osama Bin Dyejob?

It's like I'm looking through the window of a funhouse just living in this fucking culture.

So fuck it. I'm not playing a game that's rigged and neither should anybody else who wants to stay sane. I'm going to war over this one, and my battle cry will be "BRITNEY SPEARS IS HOT!"



EDIT: Oh goodness, now CNN's acting all scandalized and humble. I especially like the part where everybody debates whether she's fat enough to deserve being crucified for appearing in public without a burqa. A+ for trying, guys! You'll be part of the solution in no time.