August 28, 2008

Skyhounding? Skyhounding!


Stills and gifs from the storm will be up tomorrow or the day after. For now, I too tired!

August 27, 2008

Best Chair and Kefka's Prayer

The gods have heard my cry for more furniture to populate my crack-den looking bedroom! While I was biking with the Captain tonight, I found a tiny gray-blue rocker/recliner by the roadside with a FREE sign on it.

It looked okay, but I've done this dance before. First thing to do with free shit is always, always perform a sniff test. It smelled like somebody's nice clean apartment, so I checked all over for nasty shit--bugs, burn marks, vomit inside the cushions. Nothing wrong there either. So I sat in it and reclined to check for broken parts or random collapsing furniture disorder.

Nothing seemed amiss, although there was one small tear on the footrest and a small red stain on the backrest (not blood). It fit perfectly into the station wagon, too. After Seebs and Rah carried it up the stairs for my crippled worthless ass, I spent the next two hours lying in it, playing video games and occasionally demanding my roomies each come and admire the Best Chair Ever.

FACT! Best Chair is super squishy and just the right size for a short wad of Lukas to snuggle up on.

FACT! The little stain took three seconds to scrub out using 409 and a rag, and the rip is on the bottom and won't even show if I take the trouble to mend it.

FACT! It provides support for my neck while I watch DVDs on the computer. This will help the healing process.

FACT! Nobody cares about Best Chair but me.

In less perseverative news, I had another psych appointment today. Dr. D wanted to see my art, so I showed her on her laptop. Kind of awkward since she's such a nice lady and my sense of humor is awfully rough around the edges, but hey--this is someone I'm paying to get to know me better. Sooner or later she'll find out I draw My Little Ponies on fire and girls with masses of eyeballs instead of cooters, so it might as well be sooner.

I also did a little depression quiz thing, and am assigned the task of picking a local doctor so I can get a prescription for ritalin.

Also I screwed up and forgot to ask lawyer guy to send the Northfield clinic their own separate proof that I've retained him, so they're threatening to send my bill to collections.

Hmm. You know, next time somebody brushes off ADHD as no big deal, I should show them a printout of my credit rating. I don't want to become diagnosis-becomes-my-catchall-scapegoat guy, but if the shoe fits...

FACT! I was sleeping this morning and the dog started scratching himself in his sleep. He was kicking the wall Rah and I share so loudly it woke me up. I made him get off the bed, and he fear-peed all over my nice soft blanket AND it got on my sheet. I suppose I should be happy that this has only happened a couple of times in the past year of dog ownership, but I can't pretend visions of luau roasts weren't dancing in my groggy head.

Completely unrelated, but I composed this earlier and need to write it down so I don't forget:

Lord, grant me the ambition to conquer the world,
The power to enslave mankind with my Ray of Judgment,
And the badass final boss mutations to kill any spunky heroes who invade my dungeon and try to make a difference.


August 25, 2008

Don't Go Telling Grandma Zombie How To Suck Brains

Well, even though I was diagnosed a week ago, I feel that I only truly joined the ranks of the ADHD zombies last night.

Last night, you see, marks the first time I was told, (and I quote), "pfft you dont need meds for that" by somebody who barely knows me or my situation. From what I've heard from other people with this diagnosis, that's how you know you have arrived.

This person then went on to describe how it "takes a lot of work" to transcend pain and illness, but they can do it just fine, even though their case is beyond severe. They went on to inform me that psychiatry is a lie, 100% of people alive today have ADHD, and that it's better to repress unpleasantness than deal with it, because as long as you're okay with being different, no amount of mental illness can overcome willpower. And even if it does, so what? I'm cuh-RAY-zee, deal with it you jerks! ^___^

Yeah, I think I'll stick with the licensed therapist and whatever pills my doctor thinks may be effective as a last resort. Which is what it is--you think I didn't spent my entire life trying to FORCE me to be okay so I wouldn't have to take drugs? I struggled as hard as I could for my entire life just to make it up to mediocre on my own. But just because I was expending energy didn't mean that iron wall was any closer to breaking. I avoided despair by lying to myself for a long time about how I was getting closer. Every little improvement was a breakthrough. Any minute now, I told myself, any second I'll start seeing cracks. Just a little harder.

It's tough to give up on an investment like that, and admit you've failed. Not only that you've failed, but that you actually wasted all that time on something unwinnable. Your 400-hour game of Pitfall for the Atari is never going to end with credits. QQ noob; the battle is over and you fucking lost.

It's fucking terrible to slump down and say "I quit" because you just can't make yourself push anymore. And if, in your time of acceptance, some Mary Sue success story happens to come skipping along to give you shit for not being strong enough, you're not going to be happy with that.

I don't think the person intended to hit this button in me, but that's what you risk when you pass judgment on the circumstances of somebody you don't know and start laughing off their problems because how your issues are ten billion times worse, but all it takes for you is some willpower and hard work. (Poof, problem gone, now why didn't I think of that?)

Over the course of the argument that ensued, it came out a bit at a time just how badly messed up this person's outlook was. Without getting into details, let me just say that they reminded me of me, only a version of me that was in love with myself and didn't much care about anyone else. A version of me that actively wanted to get worse. I tried to urge them to get help, but it was like arguing with a magic 8 ball. There was an excuse or sob story for every option, and where those didn't cut it, the person fell back on the old "yay crazy wacky monkey pie doom" mental illness trendiness as a defense mechanism.

People in denial have this horrible tendency, when their treasured assault against reality falls short and they have nothing left, to pretend to "own" their damage before you can call them on it. Smokers and drug addicts do this a lot, most noticeably when they brag about how they'll die young. They can't handle the reality, so they turn it into a joke that they can confront without actually confronting it.

My mom used to do it. She'd threaten suicide when she was criticized or throw a huge self-hate party and talk about how worthless she was. You couldn't argue with her because she'd just hand you her dignity right off the bat, and I never got the feeling that anything she handled that way ever truly got resolved. It was emotional camoflage by way of exaggeration, surrender and caricature. Is there a word for this kind of cop-out?

Anyway, I don't mind when people tell me about their problems. I honestly enjoy helping people troubleshoot their problems and be happier. But if you plan to throw my advice away without considering it or would just prefer me to function as an audience for your very own Greek tragedy (with you as the star, of course), please let me know in advance so I won't embarrass both of us by trying to actually help.

In the end I felt kind of sad for blowing up over the initial "pfft, you dont need meds for that" comment. If I'd known from the start why they were so fixated on the power of positive thinking, I wouldn't have hassled the person. They weren't ready for honest self-examination and now I feel like a bully for trying to make them see something they're trying hard NOT to see. You know what I mean?

But wouldn't it be so rad and awesome if it were so easy to overcome shit as that? If you could just bury your anger and not have it come back to bite you on your ass... if you could blame everything on your shitty childhood and not have to pay for it... if you could wish yourself well just by wanting it bad enough. Goddamn, I want THAT illness.

At the end of the day I really do love this world. We humans are all so quirky and lovable and flawed. We're nowhere near as unique as we think we are, but even our clich├ęs deserve affection for being so damn human. I want to give us all a huge hug sometimes for just being what we are.

Coming from the codependent background of my youth, though, I also find it hard at other times to stop myself from grabbing fucked up people to just shake the stupid out of them. I sometimes lack empathy and patience for human weakness in myself or others. And then I turn around and lambast others for being heartless. It's crazy, but at least I'm aware of the tendency and can fight it.

Every year I spend on this planet takes me closer to finally being able to love what I am--human and weak and flawed--because it is human and weak and flawed. In the long run, I reckon the only solution will be to just accept the negative shit and move on. So maybe the person was right about transcending pain, albeit in an entirely different context from the one they intended.

Therapy appointment tomorrow. I wonder what exciting new headmeat disorders we'll discover this time!

August 23, 2008


So, my therapist finished the first of the diagnostic tests the other day. It turns out that I have "moderately severe" ADHD. I had kind of figured out the ADD part, but the H was news to me. It does explain some things, such as why I'm such an unbearable spazz (losing things, getting unbearably twitchy and always being at the center of a giant tornado of fail) despite always trying so hard not to be like that.

Dr. D asked if I was okay with my diagnosis and I was like "yeah, it's good to know where some of this is coming from." She said we'll know more as we continue the evaluations, which I find very helpful.

It's strange to catch myself doing the usual "I suck" internal monologue whenever I do something embarrassing or twitchy, and suddenly have an explanation that makes me not feel like such a schmuck. I will want to watch this so that I don't start excusing every little mistake on my diagnosis, but it is such an incredible relief to know for sure that it's not just me being stupid and lazy. I have to start cutting myself a little bit more slack, and that's pretty novel for me.

A lot of times, most notably in high-pressure situations, I get through life despite having a fucked up transmission. I can't slip into that comfortable second or third gear that lets me go along at a steady 15-30 miles an hour, so instead I just floor it in first until the engine is screaming. I overheat the car until I'm finally able to jump straight into 4th, thus bypassing the faulty gears. It's not healthy to make the car work that hard to do something that should be easy.

The panic grows as I watch the engine lights go on one by one, until I have to pull over and let it all cool down. This leads to an alarming pattern of geronimo charges and dead stops, and then I wonder why I can't seem to get into the rhythm of life. Ha! WELL I AM DIAGNOSED NOW SO I GUESS I CAN'T HATE MYSELF FOR IT ANYMORE.

Yesterday I sent in an application and all the info I need to apply for Minnesota Health Care, and if I qualify I should get reduced shrink fees and copays for whatever medication I go on. Things are already improving a bit from how they've been recently, as my physical improvement continues and answers continue to appear.

I've hit some kind of weird stumbling block with my sleep schedule this summer, which really bothers me. Instead of sleeping exactly 8 hours and waking up refreshed, I'm now sleeping 12 or more hours and waking up groggy and tired. Goddamn body thetans, is what I think it is.

So basically what it all boils down to is that the comic is late again because I have ADHD.


But really, come to think of it, now that I know I have it, I'm wondering how the fuck I ever got a webcomic off the ground in the first place, let alone kept it going for almost 8 years and counting.

August 19, 2008


Rah and I went kayaking yesterday. It was an epic 6 hour trip, and much fun was had. I brought a camera, which mercifully did not get drowned when I fell out of the boat for the third or fourth time and ended up swimming.

The photos are currently posted here in a slideshow, but if you don't like the format or it fails to load, you can go straight to the gallery and view the pictures there. You can check out any photo in high resolution during the slideshow by clicking it.

August 16, 2008

Update Post

Two more pages! Huzzah!

August 15, 2008

CNN: All Missing Tot, All The Time.

I am getting so sick of the word "tot." It just sounds like nonsense to me at this point. Tot. What the fuck, tot?

Tot tot tot.

August 13, 2008

Only Shooting Stars Break the Mold

Last night I watched the Perseids and it was awesome. After attempting to merely look up from a standing and sitting position (I was gentle but this morning I pay the price, holy shit it hurts), I finally opted to lie back on the wet roof instead.

It was freezing but totally worth it, because I got to see like ten meteors zinging all over the place. A couple of them were really long and one even left a visible trail behind it that lingered for a few seconds after the light was gone. Awesome.

I spied a bunch of dead leaves yesterday, on trees and in the street. Say it ain't so! After all my happy anticipation during this long, long winter I didn't even get to enjoy this summer before it ended. I've spent most of it sitting around like a big fat lump of butt on doctor's orders, and now it's almost gone and I'm still not recovered.

Oh well, fuck it. At least I like snow.

August 9, 2008

Pay Attention To The Fucking Road

My best friend Rain just got in a bike crash and fucked up her face because some bitch in a minivan failed to yield right-of-way.

She reacted in time to crash the bike instead of being run over, and while she was lying on the ground in pain, the lady driver asked her "Are you okay?" When Rain didn't get up or respond, what do you think the cunt did?

Right! The cunt drove off. Because that's what you do when you cause an accident and the victim isn't moving.

I am so fucking angry right now. What the hell.

Rain, I suspect this is worth filing a police report. I keep having near-misses thanks to assfaces who don't pay attention to the road or the laws, so I've started taking a camera with me so I can get the license plate in case it happens again.

What a shitty birthday present.

August 8, 2008

Anonymous Strikes Again

Hello, this is Anonymous.

It has been discovered by Anonymous that several high level managers within the Church of Scientology are currently working in the United Kingdom without the appropriate work permits. They are effectively working and living in the country as illegal immigrants. This information has been passed to the UK Border Agency, who are now mounting an investigation.

This Information concerns the following individuals:

US Citizen Maia Dube. Commanding Officer of the Commodore's Messengers Organization UK

Canadian citizen Janet Laveau. Head of the Office of Special Affairs UK, Scientology's Intelligence division.

Bob Bledsoe of the United States. Commanding Officer of the Continental Liaison Office UK

John Danilovoch of the United States. Captain of the Advanced Org Saint Hill UK

Australian Colin Davie. Commanding Officer of the Flag Operations Liaison Office UK

Melanie Schwandt of the United States. Deputy Religious Technology Centre Representative UK

Lucky Story of the United States. Executive Director of London Org

Information obtained by Anonymous strongly suggests that a scheme to attempt to circumvent the work permit requirements of the United Kingdom is being used on a regular basis. The source of this information is documentation that was carelessly discarded by a law firm retained by the Church of Scientology in the UK. This information has now been passed to the proper authorities.

The method to this scheme is as follows: Scientology staff members acquire a visitor visa prior to entering the UK, then just before this is due to expire, they fly to an airport within France or another country within the European Union. From there they fly to Dublin or Cork in Ireland where they stay overnight, getting the visa stamped in Ireland enabling them to travel back to the United Kingdom under another visitor visa.

The Church of Scientology will undoubtedly attempt to attack Anonymous for revealing this information and attempt to discredit said information. This is to be expected. However, journalists and other interested parties should be able to independently corroborate it via other sources now that the technique used has actually been revealed. Anonymous is aware that this is a highly serious allegation, however, the Border Agency of the United Kingdom is taking this matter very seriously. Anonymous suggests that any journalists who wish to follow up on this story contact the Border Agency for further comments and an official response.

Anonymous also expects these members of staff to be reassigned as soon as the cult hears of this investigation. This may already have happened and if the Church of Scientology attempts to suggest that these people have already left the UK and never worked in the country, then this will be why. However, a paper trail and evidence of their actions will still exist and Anonymous is confident that the UK Border Agency will be thorough in their investigation.

It is not Anonymous that is guilty of crimes, but rather the Church of Scientology that has neither respect for the law nor personal freedoms.Their attempts to circumvent immigration laws is further evidence of this, as are the growing number of assaults perpetrated by Scientologists worldwide against Anonymous Protesters. several of which have been filmed and documented. The release of this information and the full co-operation of Anonymous with the Border Agency of the United Kingdom should speak for itself; and is in direct contrast to the Church of Scientology's disregard for anything other than furthering its own agenda.

Regardless, Anonymous finds humor in the fact that the Church of Scientology's United Kingdom operation has been caught in this way. furthermore, Anonymous will be informing other Immigration officials across the globe of the current violations in the united kingdom being committed by the Church of Scientology. Anonymous promised new and invigorated tactics to be revealed on 08-08-08, and as always, Anonymous delivers.

We are AnonyMouS.
We are Legion.
We do not Forgive.
We do not Forget.
Expect Us.

Press Release in PDF Format

Digg this story