Nauseating Food For Diseased Thought

Here are a few things about Scientology that I feel people ought to be aware of:

The Wall of Fire: This is the part of Scientology where you find out about the evil intergalactic overlord Xenu, and how our bodies are riddled with clusters of freaked-out alien ghosts that make us sick or unhappy or believe in God. Getting a Xenu spoiler before you reach OTIII (third level of the super-secret teachings) will kill you dead with pneumonia, so please don't read this paragraph!


SP: Suppressive Person. Anyone the church of Scientology considers problematic, especially critics of the church, protestors and ex-members who spill the beans. Scientologist-raised Neil Gaiman was apparently declared an SP many years ago, so don't feel too bad about it if you are declared too.


Fair Game: Church law for dealing with a Suppressive Person. Fair Game is no longer declared outright, but the practice was never cancelled and continues to this day. In L. Ron's words, an SP "May be deprived of property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed." Fair Game is why church protestors often hide their identities when picketing.

Auditing Process R2-45: The ultimate Scientology resource for an SP. It is "An enormously effective process for exteriorization, but its use is frowned upon by this society at this time." Critic Stuart Lamont explains it best: "In plain language, it means that someone can be released from their body by shooting them with a Colt '45, which Ron proceeded to demonstrate by firing a revolver into the floor of the podium."

RPF: Rehabilitation Project Forces. This is the 'gulag' everyone's talking about. You fuck up, break a rule, or decide to leave the church, and you can end up here. It's basically boot camp without the human rights, and you can be there for years. They limit your sleep, you eat table scraps and do physical labor. No contact allowed with the outside world. You are not permitted to speak unless spoken to. Oh, and the daily interrogations. I forgot to mention the daily interrogations.

Disconnection: This is the church's policy of isolating members from their families and loved ones. You decide to leave the church, say goodbye forever to the wife and kids you leave behind. Disconnection has moved into the digital era, with church officials beginning to enforce the policy on members' MySpace friend lists.

Introspection Rundown: This is the official Scientologist procedure for handling mental health emergencies. L. Ron Hubbard was opposed to all forms of psychiatry, so he used his super duper science fiction powers to invent his own treatment plan:

"The first step of the rundown is "isolate the person wholly with all attendants completely muzzled (no speech)." Auditing sessions are given infrequently to search for the cause of the psychotic break during this rundown, otherwise the person is isolated in complete silence."

In other words, take the person away from all human contact and strap them to a bed in a locked room until they sort out their dead space alien issues and stop being mentally ill. How would you like to be pulled off the street and have this done to you by a couple of strangers who don't even know basic nursing skills? But don't worry, they make you sign a waiver in case it all goes wrong and you die covered in cockroach feeding sites. Whew!

"THIS MEANS THE LAST REASON TO HAVE PSYCHIATRY AROUND IS GONE", said L. Ron. "I have made a technical breakthrough which possibly ranks with the major discoveries of the Twentieth Century ... Its results are nothing short of miraculous."

And that brings us to the most important name in our list:

Lisa McPherson. She was a member of the church who had a psychiatric emergency and was taken from the hospital against her doctor's advice by almost a dozen church members. They promised she would be treated privately, and so off she was whisked to undergo L. Ron's miraculous Introspection Rundown.

17 days later her severely dehydrated, bruised and starved body was driven from the Fort Harrison hotel (owned by the church and notorious for its onsite deaths) to a hospital well out of the area with a Scientologist doctor on staff. She was dead on arrival. The autopsy photos show massive bruises, emaciation and 'insect feeding sites' all over her body. Lots of people have seen these photos, because years later they were sent around via email, identified as the last photos of Terry Schiavo.

The records of the last few days of her stay in the hotel have mysteriously vanished along with the people in charge of helping her regain her sanity. During her stay in the hotel, they charged her hundreds of dollars for L. Ron Hubbard lecture tapes, which were played in the room while she slowly wasted away. To date, the church has not paid the settlement they reached with the McPherson family. Church members have, however, gone on record repeatedly stating "People die every day." when the topic comes up. This may sound inhumane, but remember Scientology is a religion and if you criticize it you're an intolerant bigot.

2/10/08: The birthday of Lisa McPherson and the official date of the upcoming worldwide anti-Scientology protest.

Want more insanity? Go here for a gigantic glossary of eye-widening horrors, but beware. This rabbit hole does not have a discernible bottom and you could be in for a rather long read.