May 15, 2008

the vanity-dance of the digital dickweed

ARGH fuck you Stefan Sonnenfeld, fuck you to the sky and back.

Don't know who that is? Well, he's the asshole responsible for doing THIS:

See the blurring? No, it's not a bad photoshop. It's two unaltered screenshots from Sweeney Todd on DVD. See, it turns out they hired some special-effects dickweed to make the film unwatchable.

They call it a 'digital makeover.' Only the dickweed doesn't bother smoothing Depp's whole face, just the cheeks and nose, so the pores in his forehead still stand out in sharp focus even when the tip of his nose is Gaussian Blurred into oblivion to make his skin look like a baby girl's.

And it's not consistent, either. Sometimes there are five or six frames in a row without the bad photoshop effect, then it comes back and flickers in and out of focus for another few dozen frames. Sometimes the blurring migrates around on Depp's face like a living sheath of vasoline, leaving exposed wrinkles and pores that quickly vanish and come back.

When I slow-motion the film, the photoshopped areas turn bright and fill up with artifacts that stand out against the rest of the frozen movie frames.

What was this movie supposed to be about again? Something about shaving? Fuck it. I don't even care. I've never turned my nose up at a film because of the bad special effects before, but this is the worst botch-job I've ever seen by a country mile. I can't not notice. On the contrary, it's ALL I can see.

You know what it's like? It's like trying to get into a suspense movie for the first time while watching it with a fangirl who won't stop pointing out trivia and reminding you to pay attention to every subtle foreshadowing as it unfolds because "that'll be important later."

And I KILL people who do that.

Maybe I'm just 'sperging here, but that doesn't ease my disenchantment with what would otherwise have been a fairly decent movie.

This crap even tops the home video edition of Titanic where you can see giant black squares in the night sky above the ship around all the special effects that were pasted in. And IIRC, that piece of shit won an Oscar for best special effects!


1 comment:

  1. I didn't think anything could make Johnny Depp look gross, but that sure does the trick. Not sure if I want to see this movie anymore. XP Besides, I have fond memories of the version my brother's highschool put on, because their crazy prostitute was the BEST crazy prostitute. Hands down.