Dear Satan...

Dear Satan,

I know we don't speak often, but I have a favor to ask of you. As you probably know by now, world-class comedian George Carlin passed away today from heart disease. He was getting on in years, but I believe he still had a lot to share with the world. I think he was taken before his time.

My dark lord, I wish to draw your attention to three other names you may find all-too-familiar: Dane Cook, Carlos Mencia, and Andrew Dice Clay.

Three equally well-known names in the stand-up world, O Lord of Screaming Assholes.

Three highly controversial (past and present) personalities.

Three completely tempting bargaining tools, if you get my drift.

You see, Satan, as the Prince of the Fallen you know more than anyone else about how unfair and capricious the hand of fate (or the whims of your opposite number up above, whom I shall not name, but I think you know exactly who I mean) can be. I mean, look what happened to you and your union when you tried to organize and buck for a measly little pay raise after ass-thousand years schlepping around in the celestial dirt with the rest of the scrubbies, singing "holy holy holy" to you-know-who until your nuts just about fell off from disuse.

Trapped under the earth in a giant fireplace full of screaming morons and losers over 45 measly cents an hour? Cold deal, dude. I totally feel for you.

What I'm saying is that sometimes the wrong guy takes the fall. Sometimes the piece of shit with the ricermobile gets your wife and you get a motel room full of dead hookers. It happens; life sucks. Now, part of that is because of your evil influence, but I'm not bitter; I'm not holding a grudge here. I'm over it.

Dane Cook.

Carlos Mencia.

Andrew Dice Clay.

Please, Lord of the Dark Mass, please consider this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to do the right thing for the little guy, what do you say? Help out the common man a little bit by righting what went so tragically amiss this week.

I know you have it in your power to pull just the tiniest of strings and make everyone's dream come true. You have power; you have influence. You own the biggest names in Hollywood and I know for a fact that you dabble in politics.

For all I know, you may be reluctant to surrender your hold on this brilliant mind, but let's face it: three for one is a hell of a deal, and I think we can both agree they have it coming. Might as well pay the devil his due today instead of in 2045, right?

Please think about it, Lucifer. It might be the best choice you ever made, but don't let that stop you from helping a brother out of the putrefaction of your cavernous, flaming heart.


Eternally Opposed in Sacred Combat,
Luka Delaney
Age 27
(Earth)