I Did Something Brave Today

Reading somebody else's family drama gave me enough anger and flashbacks to finally write my own father THE LETTER.

I asked him what the fuck was going through his head when he made the choices he made, and if he feels guilty over it now that it's too late to fix the damage that resulted from his actions.

Not sure if I feel better for having finally written THE LETTER, but I think it was the right thing.

I went out and wrote my sister a letter too, basically saying I can't forgive her or my brother for "forgetting" to call me when Mom was in the hospital for the last time, dying but still conscious enough to ask for me every time they visited. That incident wasn't all of it, obviously--the fact is that too much bad shit happened for too long with too little resolution, and now shit is beyond my ability to handle. Even just visiting drags me right back down to where I was 5 years ago. We fall into the old roles so quickly and just rip at each other nonstop, and that needs to end.

I'm so glad I hashed this stuff out with Mom before she died. I'm still pretty upset at some of the choices she made, but mortality has defined her failures as the flaws of a human who tried to be a good mother, and who lived and died unhappy and in great pain. She was a fuckup, but she was my Mom. I may not be quite ready to let go of the emotional baggage she left me, but I do forgive her.


Edit: Hahah, Blind Melon's "Tones of Home" just came on iTunes. How incredibly fitting.


"What do you think they would say
if I stood up and I walked away
Nobody here really understands me,
and so I'll wave goodbye I'm fine
and I'm fine..."