August 23, 2008

LUKA IS STILL A PLAGUE DOG

So, my therapist finished the first of the diagnostic tests the other day. It turns out that I have "moderately severe" ADHD. I had kind of figured out the ADD part, but the H was news to me. It does explain some things, such as why I'm such an unbearable spazz (losing things, getting unbearably twitchy and always being at the center of a giant tornado of fail) despite always trying so hard not to be like that.

Dr. D asked if I was okay with my diagnosis and I was like "yeah, it's good to know where some of this is coming from." She said we'll know more as we continue the evaluations, which I find very helpful.

It's strange to catch myself doing the usual "I suck" internal monologue whenever I do something embarrassing or twitchy, and suddenly have an explanation that makes me not feel like such a schmuck. I will want to watch this so that I don't start excusing every little mistake on my diagnosis, but it is such an incredible relief to know for sure that it's not just me being stupid and lazy. I have to start cutting myself a little bit more slack, and that's pretty novel for me.

A lot of times, most notably in high-pressure situations, I get through life despite having a fucked up transmission. I can't slip into that comfortable second or third gear that lets me go along at a steady 15-30 miles an hour, so instead I just floor it in first until the engine is screaming. I overheat the car until I'm finally able to jump straight into 4th, thus bypassing the faulty gears. It's not healthy to make the car work that hard to do something that should be easy.

The panic grows as I watch the engine lights go on one by one, until I have to pull over and let it all cool down. This leads to an alarming pattern of geronimo charges and dead stops, and then I wonder why I can't seem to get into the rhythm of life. Ha! WELL I AM DIAGNOSED NOW SO I GUESS I CAN'T HATE MYSELF FOR IT ANYMORE.

Yesterday I sent in an application and all the info I need to apply for Minnesota Health Care, and if I qualify I should get reduced shrink fees and copays for whatever medication I go on. Things are already improving a bit from how they've been recently, as my physical improvement continues and answers continue to appear.

I've hit some kind of weird stumbling block with my sleep schedule this summer, which really bothers me. Instead of sleeping exactly 8 hours and waking up refreshed, I'm now sleeping 12 or more hours and waking up groggy and tired. Goddamn body thetans, is what I think it is.

So basically what it all boils down to is that the comic is late again because I have ADHD.

(GYA HA HA THE FIRST ILLEGITIMATE USE OF MY NEW DIAGNOSIS TO GET ME OUT OF MY RESPONSIBILITIES!)

But really, come to think of it, now that I know I have it, I'm wondering how the fuck I ever got a webcomic off the ground in the first place, let alone kept it going for almost 8 years and counting.

2 comments:

  1. Most likely, the sheer inventive awesomeness of Kagerou forced you to continue chipping away at it even when you weren't really in the mood for doing things. :)

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  2. The impact on how you view yourself is one of the most crippling side-effects ADD has in most people.

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