Season's Bleedings!

Looking outside lately, I can tell that spring is definitely nigh. I'm ready for it, even though I really like Minnesota winters.

The interesting thing is that, when I think back, I can't tell whether or not I dodged the winter depression bullet this year. I feel like I must have, because otherwise how the hell did I not spend the past couple of weeks huddled in a corner crying like a little kid?

Such amazingly fucked-up things have happened since Christmas. How can life cram so many opportunities to kick a person when they're down into one short season? If I weren't me, I'd be offended on my behalf.

But since I am me, I've decided to cope with one emergency at a time from now on, and let the rest go. Because seriously, fuck it. No disaster is worth several days of heart palpitations and insomnia.

And even now, whenever the phone rings I panic for a split second thinking it's someone calling to tell me another loved one just died. But really, losing another relative after Mom would be like a really bad sequel to the scariest movie ever made. I'm trying not to be all macho and scream "Bring it ON, bitches," though. One thing 2007 has taught me is that nothing is safe. It can always get worse.

And yet, I feel good. I very defiantly feel good. The only way I can really describe it is that the more I get kicked when I'm down, the more I love looking at the rocks I'm lying on.

I never knew I could be strong before, and I never wanted so much to make every minute of my life count, so I guess I got something for my trouble. It's not much, but still. I want to be out on the road again. I want to get dirty on hillsides and listen to shitty music with the windows open.

I want to go back to school, go for walks, become a really good cook, improve my comic, grow my hair, get on meds for my mental nuisances, think about whether to transition and how far to take it. Stuff that I care about is so much more important to me now that I have actually touched death and loss.

So yeah. I love snow, but let's hear it for the spring.