January 18, 2008

Angst post!

I have spent almost an entire year now psychologically torturing myself for driving away a friend, and all I got for my angst and woe was more angst and woe. The things the person was so angry about were things they had their own serious issues with, and it made me feel like I was going crazy trying to figure out how I could be the terrible person they made me out to be when I didn't actually think any of those things, although they really did. I still don't understand it, but I no longer think it was really about me at all.

I think what made this blowout different from all the others was that I was so deep in grief over my Mom's death (which had happened about two months earlier, hooray for timing!) that I didn't have the energy to chase the person down and apologize for everything regardless of whether I felt had anything to be sorry about. In previous major fights, I was always the one who apologized first and claimed the blame. I justified this to myself by reasoning that it would be worth a hit to my pride (wank wank wank) just to have my friend back.

I realize now that this is stupid and unhealthy, and I think maybe that was the only reason this breakup thing didn't happen 8 years ago over a difference in voting choices, and all it took was one horrible, petty argument where I wasn't up to the challenge to unravel it all.

Half of me wishes it weren't over. I love my friend so much, and missing them has made me twist myself into little loops trying to convince myself that I can still chase them down and get them back without utterly betraying myself.

But the other half of me is a happier person without the negative influence of so much anger and resentment constantly between us. The frienship had been littered with emotional landmines for years and I'd stopped noticing how little I dared to talk or joke about for fear of an explosion. There were conversations I interpreted as signs of improvement, but in hindsight I think they were probably wishful thinking on my part.

So yeah, this sucks. I've never been dumped before, nor have I had to do the dumping. Temporary hiatus from someone with drama I can't watch, yes. Relationship falling into flaming wreckage that makes me cry, no. I realize that thousands of people go through messy divorces all the time where the partners can't work their shit out face-to-face and have to just plain cut each other out.

How the hell do you stand it? Doesn't the need for closure drive you insane?

All in all, I think I finally 'get' the demand for those tormented breakup songs. They still seem stupid to me, but then again, that's probably where they're the most realistic.

Not many people read these walls of text, but putting words to this stuff after it spent so long rotting away inside my head has made me feel a lot better. Even though venting won't change anything in the long run, journal writing has always been a godsend for me when it comes to gaining perspective. Maybe a year or two from now a much happier me can look back and go "Aha, that's where I started to figure all that shit out!"


  1. Closure is a rough thing. Do we shank our principles and apologize for something that isn't our fault, or do we sadly accept that the friendship is over? Its a tough call.

    Journaling is indeed an astonishingly helpful thing. :) Looking back, even on the wangsty posts, shows where you've been so clearly. Memory never shows as clearly as writing.

    I also want to pop up and say I always read your walls of text. *chuckles* I can't imagine why anyone who reads your blog wouldn't want to! I've read your journal daily for over a year now, and those walls of text are where you're at your most insightful and humorous.

  2. I've been reading your walls of text for over 5 years now and I can honestly say I've seen you mature from an insecure, sniveling, emotional adolescent to a fairly well rounded self-aware adult that is much more in touch with reality and your own psyche than 95% of the population.

    Keep it up and keep journaling.

  3. Wow, that's one hell of a barbed compliment, rockettman. If you didn't intend it to be, you might wanna work on your communication skills. Not many people will take "You used to be a pathetic dipshit, but you're okay now" as praise.

  4. "Doesn't the need for closure drive you insane?"


    But after a while, you just kinda realize that things are probably for the best in the long run. You just gotta keep pushing forward and know that although now things may feel pretty miserable, this person wasn't the center of your universe and you can get along just fine without them.

  5. I have a relationship like that with my older relatives. I have to keep apologising to keep the peace and nothing I do ever seems to be truly acceptable*.
    Good for you, for being able to mourn a relationship that you valued but still be able to see that maybe it was better for it to have ended when it did.

    *That part is weird because I don't do drugs, I go to a good university and I have double major in a science degree. I couldn't look much better on paper but it doesn't translate into real life.

  6. Yes, it does! There are far too many people I'd like to set things right with, and I'm not even sure how. In a lot of cases I've had to accept that that's how it is now, and get used to knowing that I (probably) screwed up. I still wonder if I might someday get the chance, though.

    And on the flip side, I actually GOT closure two weeks ago for some fiery emo business that's been around nearly three years, with my former best-bud-soulmate. Now, it's even weirder, and still aggravates the hell out of me, but it's got a more positive outlook, even if not by much. I would recommend, to anyone, to be honest; but there's a way to do it so as not to make things worse, I think. If other people can't handle tactful honesty, then there's not much more that can be done...

    That's my 2c, anyway. I see your wall of text, and raise you this brick. [] (it's a discount brick)

  7. Sometimes the closure is that there is no closure. If you spend your life waiting for it, you won't be able to move on. If the only other alternative to acceptance is emotional stagnation, then what can you do besides keep going?