WOO! Time for another venty post like my old LJ days!
I can't talk about Fight Club, but if I could, I'd tell you all about how close to screaming I am right now. Isn't it weird how humans can rev themselves up into a geniuine fight-or-flight panic over paperwork?
I've never wished so hard to be like everybody else. The whole affair seems tailored to press on all my psychological sore spots, and I honestly don't know what to do anymore. It just gets more and more complicated, and I was barely hanging on to begin with. There is no move I can make that's not going to drop this whole thing on my head. Logically I recognize that this means I should pick the least negative one and smash right through. But there's also this paralyzing worry that clangs and screeches and runs around in circles until I'm exhausted.
The deeper I get into the situation, the more I daydream about just running away and letting everything fall apart. It's easier to abdicate responsibility when the alternative is complete shutdown. I've done it before, and I remember how bloody awesome it felt.
I also remember how badly it fucked up my life. I'm not about to slide back down into that pit just as I'm starting to see daylight.
*Twitch*
For the good news: I saw the shrink on Tuesday and I think I lucked out. She's clever, nice and completely non-threatening, and she has a German accent. She is the uber-shrink. I can't afford her on my own, so I have to get MinnCare like now.
Please GOD, let this help me get better.
July 18, 2008
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
I utterly sympathize for you -- going through a similar Fight Club scenario and heading back to the headshrinkers. I see my first one in a couple years on Tuesday, and I'm not sure whether to be terrified or elated.
ReplyDeleteFor what its worth, sending good thoughts. I admire you for being so fucking strong through all this, and I know you can push through.
I'd probably go with whatever's least likely to haunt me for the next couple decades, whichever one that turns out to be. I sure do hope you're around for multiples of decades. (I need to find out what happens next with the winged fruits!) Congrats on getting a good shrink; the right one can make all the difference, and she sounds pretty cool.
ReplyDeleteYour fans will be here for you, with support to share and rude jokes to tell. I'm sure not goin' anywhere.