January 25, 2008

I know I'm only dreaming

No art for like two weeks, then suddenly BLAM, I just HAVE to do two time-intensive pieces in 24 hours or I'll just plain bust. Go look for consistency in midwinter Lukas, I reckon.

The other night it got down to -20 fahrenheit, -26 if you count wind chill (and you really should, because HOLY FUCK LIPS ARE SUPPOSED TO MOVE!).

On the night of my Mom's death anniversary, my roomies took me out for dinner. It was really cool of them to drag me out of my head for a while. Came back home, got kinda weepy, watched some YouTube videos, got the giggles. Around 5 AM I drank two wine coolers back to back and within 20 minutes I was too dizzy to sit up anymore. Sadly I had to pee every three minutes for the next several hours as a result of said wine coolers, which interfered with sleeping a bit. Woke up 11 hours later still very drowsy. Spent the entire day half-asleep, watching Azumanga Daioh and then got into a flurry of arts that took out the rest of my night.

The strange thing is that, now that a full year has passed, I have lost that horrible feeling that Mom is somehow still alive and dying all over again. I think that was the worst part about waiting for the date to roll around--the feeling of it happening over again, even though I knew it wasn't really. Now my heart seems to know she's gone for good, and that gives me a little bit of peace.

Called my brother because he was worried about me and couldn't find my number. Tried to call my sister since, hey, it's the anniversary. But her cel number belongs to a guy with an accent now, or something, so that's out. Oh well. If she needs me she can just email or something.

1 comment:

  1. I read a book about daughters without mothers after my Mum died (because I'm a girl but it still translates), two years ago this February. It said that often then first year is the worst and once you get past that milestone everything feels easier. It also said that sometimes the second year feels worse because you were expecting the feelings to go away. What I'm trying to say is congratulations for getting through the first year of grieving and even if you still have bad days, those days are finite. It gets better and eventually the thoughts you'll have when you think of her will be the good ones.
    Good luck, it's not a requirement but it might make things easier for you.