OH NOES ABUSE

I have a dream. Someday, I really want to doodle on a dog. Can I draw on whiskers? Can I make him look like a panda? I've asked many times to draw on the pets of my friends, but nobody ever lets me. "Get your own dog to draw on," they say. Are they crazy? I wouldn't want a wierd-looking dog like that.

- Eiichiro Oda


SRL KILLER IN THE MAKING U GAIZ. OR POSSIBLY KICKIN RAD MANGA ARTIST BUT ANYWAY WAAAAANK

I Hate The News, Part 665 1/2

I know raging against American popular media for being distorted and dysfunctional is like pissing in a sea of piss, but it really fucking burns to see how they're treating this pop star domestic violence thing. The guy beats his girlfriend so badly she's hospitalized, and a week later they're back together and she's forgiven him. So of course the news headlines are all about their "reunion" and how they're patching things up after the argument.

Stop it. That is not what this is about. Don't take an abuse cycle in progress and spin it into a happy ending. Maybe it's intrusive and impolite to call this what it is, but sometimes reality needs to be ugly. I feel like an enabler just seeing the magazine covers in the checkout line.

Cat Lovers Could Probably Read This

YAY! The cat abusing shitheels have been charged and both cats have been removed permanently from the home. A third cat who was abused in another video was taken from a friend's house as well. They're not injured too badly and are expected to be available for adoption this week.

Meanwhile pizzas, taxis, hookers, hearses, death threats and religious material continue to be sent in mass quantities to the home of said shitheels. Oh Anonymous.

Sauce here.

Cat Lovers, Don't Read This Either

I have to applaud Anonymous for taking time out of their busy schedule of being fucking awesome to be even more fucking awesome this week.

Those teen boys who posted videos on YouTube of themselves torturing the family cat have been identified and reported by eagle-eyed internet detectives, and Dusty the kitty was promptly removed from the home and placed under the care of a veterinarian. The mother of the boys involved reports that she plans to ground both of them from riding on their dirt bikes for a short period of time as punishment for their adolescent shenanigans. Ouch.

No word yet on whether the family of these precious little sociopaths is grieving for the loss of their beloved Dusty, but if so, it won't be feeling the emptinesss for long. Pizzas, Craiglist hookers and death threats are being sent to the house in floods by well-wishers from all over the internet to fill the gap in their hearts.

The Burden of Fame

A year ago I made a snarky post about some truly wretched and self-absorbed E!D!G!Y! teen artwork on Deviantart. Over time, that post somehow ended up high on the list of Google results for a self-injury related search string, and now that old entry is getting heaps of anonymous comments.

So far not one of these newbies has bothered to comment on the entry itself. Overnight the comments just became a forum to share their issues with the usual poorly concealed self-admiration. Mid-conversation, even, like they all migrated at once during a thread somewhere else.

It's like somebody's copy-pasting Harry Potter hurt-comfort fanfic in my blog, complete with self insert characters who listen to Evanescence and think suffering is just so romantic.

Of course I'm fucking with them. It's like a law of physics. Gravity pulls, objects in motion tend to remain in motion, and Luka hungers for the blood of Mary Sue. I added a shit ton of attention whore macros to the entry, and put a trigger warning at the very end just in case.

God bless you, blink tag. You get a lot of shit in this world, but you might just have saved me some eyerolling.

HURR DURR

So back in mid-July, I noticed a user called HelenaRothStock on DA who was taking photos of other people's artwork and posting them as stock images on her DA account.

She caught my eye with a journal rant about people who were stealing her art, which is always such a fucking giveaway. Anyone who flips out like that inevitably has 99% ripped art on display, it's like some kind of law. I also saw lots of comments graciously giving other artists permission to manipulate the artwork in her photos for their own pieces. She was posting her way through the entire Tarot of Casanova series, with each one bearing the irritating and (for DA, at least) ubiquitous "don't steal my work" whine underneath.

1. Credit me for my work at (LINK)

2. Send a link by note to my normal account (LINK) (the avatars look the same but its two seperate accounts.

3. No pieces are to be used in prints unless you ask me first by note. I don't bite.

What balls! Anyway, I went and found the tarot deck she was ganking from, and submitted a violation report including links to that deck on amazon.com, which featured sample images showing several identical cards to the ripped "stock" pieces. I pointed the identical images out and even linked to the artist's website where they were posted, in case the staffer who handled the report suffered from more than the usual DA moderator brain damage. Months went by after I sent off the report, hearing nothing back. By and by I forgot about the whole thing.

And then tonight I opened my DA notes, and was greeted by this message:

Your Art theft (General) Violation Report on 400 was reviewed by a member of the staff and action was taken, marking the report as Need Information.

Additionally, the following comment was provided:

Not enough information was provided in the report for any review or decision to be made.

-- deviantART Staff

Elvis Christ. Six months to look at the report and they can't spare two seconds to read the damn thing? Whatever salary these nimrods make working for DA, they're overpaid.

This Seems A Little Bit Passive-Aggressive!

General note: the people who use this website should be dragged out into the streets and shot.

Oh shitbiscuits, I said that wrong. Allow me to rephrase.

Perhaps if the people who seem to use this website could be dragged out into the streets and shot, the environment would be better for everybody involved. And that would be super.

Seriously, what's with the flaccid language? You're using the internet to tell Cousin Billy that his cock hairs keep showing up in the salad bar and that his breath smells like a cat's asshole. Will the use of pussy uncertain terminology magically render the sentiment inoffensive?

No sir, I don't like it. Give me a website that sends people anonymous notes like "I'm going to hire Andre the Giant to butt-fuck your Grandma to death if you don't stop quoting Eddie Izzard" and maybe I'll participate.

Oh wait, no I won't, because I value communication and honesty a little bit more than I fear confronting a friend.

Someone Didn't Do The Reading

Noted white supremacist forum StormFront has a thread about how left wing, race-mixing liberals who run the US school system no longer teach Helen Keller in schools because she's white.

I notice that they failed completely to mention the other leading cause of Keller being glossed over in history books for children: she was a radical socialist. She campaigned for women's suffrage, gave speeches at labor strikes and anti-war protests, fought for race equality, wrote a bunch of books pointing out how the only reason she was able to overcome her considerable disabilities was that she was white and privileged, oh yeah and helped create the ACLU and the NAACP.

...

Yeeeeaaaaah, somehow I don't think StormFront thought this whole mascot plan all the way through.

Sup /b/

So now a couple of right wing cuckoopants have blamed Anonymous for the racist McCain mutilation hoax. Meanwhile on SA, folks are watching her YouTube videos and have suggested that she may have intended to frame a black janitor from her school.

Oh man, this scandal is awesome. I wonder what'll happen next.

B is for Backwards

When making up a story about being robbed, beaten and mutilated by a Scary Black Man because of your McCain bumper sticker, it will really aid your credibility if you remembered to face the letter the right way.



Outsmarted by a mirror. HURR.

Show of hands: who else called this story as a hoax the minute it hit the Drudge report?

EDIT: Oh and this morning she said he raped her also. I missed that update.

VICTORY

And now, the thrilling conclusion:

MODERATOR KIMERASTORM: Theres a huge difference between this post and that thrice damned website [StormFront].

Second warning: dial it down a few notches Lukadin, you are way over the line.

So the post vanished, and I got two warnings from a community moderator for disagreeing with racist terminology. And I regret my actions so much. If only I'd taken the time to get to know this poor sweet white girl on her own in a strange place, really gotten to know her, instead of jumping to the outrageous conclusion that racist language is racist... things would be different.

What she said could have turned out to be utterly harmless and not bigoted at all. Why, she may even have a black friend lurking around out there somewhere, whose mere mention might have proved me completely wrong about the OP's racial hangups.

But alas, I never thought to give this poor white girl the entirely undeserved benefit of the doubt in my rush to heap disagreement insults and foul names upon her without mercy. Oh, INTERNET! I'm so ashamed of my not particularly bullying ways!

If Mom was alive, whatever would she think of me?


EDIT: This post contains all the sarcasm I held back during the wank. Since I was cockblocked by baleetion with plenty left to say to that idiot mod, I'm giving it all to you here and now so I won't get a headache. HOT POTATO!

Why Do I Get Myself Into This Shit

Last night in a community I frequent, somebody posted an rant called Welcome To The Jungle about her three black roommates. She says she calls them the African Queens to express that they come from another culture. The LJ cut text was Affirmative INaction.

She made several references to how multicultural the OP's school was, and how she isn't at all racist (and a whole off-topic paragraph about how much she hates affirmative action for screwing white people over, but she's totally, totally not prejudiced you guys). Now, how does she know the "African Queens" got into college because of affirmative action? She just knows.

These days I try not to start shit on LJ. I want to be less negative and snarky. But dammit, I had to say something, and now I am now being slammed in the comments by people who "know where she's coming from" because they, too, have had the heartrending and painful experience of being white and surrounded by dark faces, foreign languages and funny food smells*.

As far as they're concerned, the racial insensitivity of the OP doesn't matter because hey, the Africans were bad roommates. It's fucking depressing. One person even congratulated me for judging the OP based on text. The ensuing sarcasm tags offended me, so I offered to mail her some StormFront pamphlets, and urged her to not be judgmental of them.





*I exaggerate here...OR DO I?

Pay Attention To The Fucking Road

My best friend Rain just got in a bike crash and fucked up her face because some bitch in a minivan failed to yield right-of-way.

She reacted in time to crash the bike instead of being run over, and while she was lying on the ground in pain, the lady driver asked her "Are you okay?" When Rain didn't get up or respond, what do you think the cunt did?

Right! The cunt drove off. Because that's what you do when you cause an accident and the victim isn't moving.

I am so fucking angry right now. What the hell.

Rain, I suspect this is worth filing a police report. I keep having near-misses thanks to assfaces who don't pay attention to the road or the laws, so I've started taking a camera with me so I can get the license plate in case it happens again.

What a shitty birthday present.

So, So Wrong

OMG CNN WTF?

13-year-old alleged child porn victim: Innocent victim or dirty slut?

Hi, this is 2008. Your virgin/whore dichotomy called and it wants its age of consent back.

the vanity-dance of the digital dickweed II

ARGH NOW HEROES HAS THE BLIGHT.

People's faces are so Gaussian Blurred they no longer even look human. And it's still just as random as Stefan Sonnenfeld's butchery of Sweeney Todd; every five seconds a random patch of pores and laugh lines will briefly reappear.

Sylar's forehead looks like Barbie's cooter, for fuck's sake. How is this not a direct violation of the Geneva conventions!?


Photoshop: Just because you can, doesn't mean you oughtta.

THE FEMALE VOID. LET ME SAVE YOU FROM IT.

Oh, and this is fabulous. Found it on one of the JF wank communities:

Fans of Dave Sim must now sign a declaration that he is not a misogynist or he won't correspond with them. The fine print then goes on to specify that he has several desirable toys and is more than willing to take them and go home if the other children won't let him win. He may even tell.

Yeah, good luck with that, Mr. "the Emotional Female Void devours what is left of the civilisation which has been built by the Rational Male Light." I'm sure the benefit of being surrounded only by the sort of people who would kiss a man's ass for the privilege of hearing him gasp out platitudes about how much women suck will take away the sting of not actually being very relevant at all.

Who'd even sign it? The guy publishes incoherently purple fantasies wherein a totally fictional character (named after himself), tortures the shrieking 'Female Void' into humbled female silence with the power of philosophy-101 logic exercises.

I'll admit I've heard good things about his other stuff, but I refuse to read it unless he signs this paper declaring me the King of Planet Bob. It's only fair.

Mother Vugger

When I was maybe nine, we went to a church friend's house for Easter. They lived in the mountains, right next to a little creek that came down through their yard from the woods. I got bored waiting for dinner and decided to explore the creek, and I started finding crystals.

I was wearing a really pretty Easter dress with pockets, so I filled them up as I climbed the hillside. There were all sorts of pieces, but the one I remember the most was the clear quartz crystal, about as long as my finger, with what looked like a cloud of blood suspended inside it. I pulled it out of the water with my own hands and it was like magic. A switch flipped in my head and I was hooked for life.

I don't know how far I walked, but suddenly there was a man on the hillside, yelling at me to go back, that I was on private property. So I turned around and went back to the Easter house, soaking wet and covered in mud. My mom was pissed, but I didn't care. I had zoned out in the hunt, and my pockets were bulging with rocks.

Some months later, my friend from across the street stole the blood crystal. I saw it in his sock drawer when I was over visiting one day, and didn't have the courage to steal it back or confront him. I never got it back.

The same friend's little sister also tried to steal a beautiful V-shaped twin crystal that was my second-favorite piece, but when I caught her and tried to take it back, she dropped it in the street and it broke. I kept the pieces on the roof with my toys and wished I could put it back together, but I didn't have access to superglue and never thought to ask my parents for help. I like to think the broken crystal is still up there, along with all the toys I abandoned when we moved, bleaching in the sun this past sixteen years.

And that's how I became a rockhound. The frustration, the hunt, the prize--I crave it every day. I dream about it at night. I lust after another man's collection. I covet my neighbor's rocky backyard. I whine and pine over the one that got away. I undress roadcuts with my eyes on every car trip. I'm a sick pervert and there's no fixing it. The only cure is the disease. I'm doomed.

Anyway, today I was checking DA and came across a specimen of blood quartz that reminded me of the small crystal I found all those years ago. On a whim, I checked out eBay to see if there were any smaller pieces for sale that looked like my long-lost specimen.

And what did I find? Oh, golly but it's glorious.

Check out this spectacular fakery.



I sent an email to The Vug about it, because dude.... air bubbles!? I'm no expert in minerals or nothin', but even I know not to buy supernaturally polished crystals full of swirly air bubbles. Maybe as a paperweight since it IS pretty (for a piece of polished glass). But Jeeesus. Air bubbles. I wonder if they'll add it to their spectacular fraud page.

And so, the hunt for blood quartz continues.

Hurf Durf Simpsons Did It

HURF DURF SIMPSONS DID IT.

Scientology: Fair Game is Alive and Well

Spotted at the LA protest. Jesus, SciCo, learn a new trick already!

Bullying Helpless Mennonites, or "How Not To Win An Internet"

I just had the most wonderful chat with one of my readers on AIM, and thought I should share it here as an object lesson for the rest of you. Their SNs are not obscured because I less than care at this point.

Evil the Kid: yo
Luka Pants: heyaq
Evil the Kid: I won an internet today
Luka Pants: oh>
Luka Pants: how so?
Evil the Kid: I scared a menonite shitless
Evil the Kid: The story is as follows:

Bad Habit: well, I was driving my car on a rural road, and I come up behind one.
Bad Habit: I turned off my lights and drifted towards him (he was riding a bike)
Bad Habit: I got fourty five feet behind him, and then turned on my lights and revved the fucking engine
Bad Habit: He fucking bolted, and almost went in a ditch
Bad Habit: As I passed him, I honked my horn many times

Luka Pants: ehhh? Why did you do that?

*** "Evil the Kid" signed off at Tue Feb 26 22:45:10 2008.

*** "Evil the Kid" signed on at Wed Feb 27 16:38:22 2008.

Luka Pants: So you were telling me your story last night.

Evil the Kid: Yes, yes I was
Evil the Kid: keyboard wacked out and wouldn't let me type
Evil the Kid: I believe you asked why I would do such a thing
Evil the Kid: two reasons

Luka Pants: Do tell!
Luka Pants: I've been burning to hear it.

Evil the Kid: 1) He was in the middle of the road, with narry a reflector (pitch black outside)
Evil the Kid: 2) because he was swerving, and I assumed that he was quite drunk

Luka Pants: I don't get it. He was being unsafe, so you endangered his life...?

Evil the Kid: I only scared him

Luka Pants: You said you almost sent him into a ditch. From my experience with bikes, that's a damn good way to kill a guy.

Evil the Kid: If he looked like he got hurt, I would've pulled over and assisted him
Evil the Kid: whether it was my fault or not

Luka Pants: So you pulled some cruel petty shit on a member of one of the most pacifistic religions on the planet and almost caused him to have an accident. How does that win you an internet, and why did you think I would pat you on the back and say "good job!" ?

Evil the Kid: Pacifistic?

Luka Pants: That's been bugging me all night, see. Because far from laughing at the hijinks, I felt literally sick to my stomach reading your posts.

Evil the Kid: I got chased down by those fuckers one time
Evil the Kid: they shot at me

Luka Pants: I was kind of hoping you might explain what the fuck you were thinking.
Luka Pants: Ah, so he got to pay for somebody else's actions? Awesome.

Evil the Kid: do all scientologists brainwash?

Luka Pants: Did it ever cross your mind that one of my biggest missions in life is to stamp out assholes who bully others for their own amusement? If so, how does that jibe with you bragging at me about what you did to the poor bastard?
Luka Pants: I'm very curious.
Luka Pants: I do like to talk about how much it pisses me off seeing somebody fuck with the weak, see. I'm not quiet about it at all.

Evil the Kid: Kay, I did something stupid. I'll admit it

Luka Pants: I hope I don't give off a "please tell me all about the puppy you kicked" vibe.

Evil the Kid: Nope

Luka Pants: No, you did something unbelievably stupid and downright evil. From a simple traffic standpoint, you put the guy's life in danger. But you also thought it was fun times.
Luka Pants: That's just sad, and I really feel bad hearing it.
Luka Pants: I mean, what the fuck?

Evil the Kid: Well, looks like I fucked up then

Luka Pants: And you needed me telling you this to figure that out? Dude, I am so done with you.

*** "Evil the Kid" signed off at Wed Feb 27 18:15:04 2008.


Who knows? I could be the asshole here. Maybe some dude in a funny hat DID try to pop a cap in your edgy little ass during a gallop-by shooting. Maybe this guy deserves to be stalked and terrorized on a public roadway for being a Mennonite and failing to use a bike reflector--I'm not a sadist; I can't make that judgment call.

But please, people. Please, please, PLEASE, if your idea of good clean fun is to go single out and abuse the weak and defenseless, don't fucking come to me and ask for a high-five. It's hard enough facing the chaos of this modern world without imagining your bigoted, bullying ass being part of it.